Redemption of A Dark Night

The year 2018 was a dark year for me. However, much beauty is birthed out of darkness, isn’t it? I fell into what I like to look back on fondly as, “A Dark Night of the Soul”. There are many written works out there of people who went through something similar. It feels like the rug was pulled out from under you when you find yourself in one. Nothing makes sense. Everything you thought to be true, doesn’t seem to be true anymore, at least in the way that you thought it was. It’s shocking, earth-shattering, confusing and dark.

A good friend recently shared with me that when we see death, we often see life right after, like the sunrise for example: night seems to bring death, but the sun rises the next day bringing light, warmth, new opportunities and sheds new light on things that were lost in the darkness. Seeds are buried into the earth, covered by darkness with what seems like no hope until growth comes out of the dirt and becomes one of the myriad plants that cover our beloved earth’s surface. Jesus died a horrific death in style with a criminal punishment, to raise from the dead three days later.
Like these things that had to die, a part of me also died in 2018 and felt no hope. It goes to such lengths as that I inwardly planned out my funeral, convinced that I was literally dying. Though, the story clearly didn’t end there for me. Instead, God made a way that a part of me did die, but there was a lot of parts of me that needed to die (and there are plenty that still do!) in order to bring out the redemption of a new sense of maturity, character, and grace that the Lord has been growing and developing in me… a new perspective, a new way of living and thinking. Isn’t that the Gospel though? Though we must die, we are also called to live a new life. For some reason, I thought this death only happened once when we change our minds to follow Jesus, but what I’ve since realized is that the death is ongoing, but so is the new life.

One of the things that came out of this darkness in 2018 was my deepened awareness and love for the concept of stories and narratives that make us who we are. The beauty of our stories is that each of them influence parts of our brain chemistry and pathways for the rest of our lives. That is unfortunately also the downside. Not all of us have easy stories that are sweet and gentle. We walk through a life where harm is around every corner, betrayal lurks in the closet and pain follows us to work. We all have stories that have influenced us and while sometimes they give us gifts of character that bring life, some of these stories also have chains that weigh us down and keep us from living the way that God intended us to live.

In 2018, I began to explore my own story. In a class that I have taken by Dan Allender, he said that if we don’t read and understand our stories, our stories will write us. Essentially, our stories will tell us how to act, what to do and we are powerless before them if we don’t know how they’re controlling us and keeping us from living out the full potential that God has for us. As I began to look at all of the things that happened in my life, analyzed all of the characters, the events and the parts that made me who I am today, I began to see where I had started to develop lies that were keeping me from loving my husband well, treating my kids with patience and grace, or being the best possible employee, friend, co-worker that I could be with representing the light of Jesus. I couldn’t shed what I didn’t know was holding me back.

Ever since, I’ve incorporated story work and analysis into the ways that I meet with students and disciple them and I’ve found a unique passion and love for what it looks like to walk alongside of others who want to unpack their stories, release themselves from the narratives and lies that hold them back and grow into the person that God is calling them to be. Thus, I began to take some coaching classes to see if I might be able to offer this concept not only to college students, but anyone who might want to take the time to explore their own stories with a witness who can listen, explore, point out and encourage healing and growth. Turns out, it’s a good fit and I am currently exploring what this could look like moving forward as a side ministry to advance God’s Kingdom by releasing His disciples to serve without the chains that can bind them.

I don’t know what this coaching on the side will look like long-term because it is secondary to my role as a mother and a campus minister at JMU, but in January I’d love to start taking on a couple regular ladies each month who might be interested in doing some of this exploring alongside me. I can’t promise that it will be perfect, because we’ll be in a learning relationship together, but I promise that out of it that you will have someone who can listen, attune and bring clarity to things that might be causing you confusion or pain. If you’re interested in this kind of service, send me an email and let’s talk about what that could possibly look like.

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty